Serious talk

Assalamualaikum. This is going to be long. 

Malam ni aku nak cakap sikit, something serious. It's about Islam. Mulanya perasaan ni bila aku asyik bengang bila parents tak bagi aku hang out. Bila aku gelak kuat sikit pun aku disuruh diam sebab tak cover ayu langsung lah konon kan. Aku cakaplah aku nak youknow, hang out, sekali my dad cakap "nak buat apa keluar keluar ni? anak dara tak payah nak bersosial sangat. sosial sangat, nak jadi kristian ke apa." Aku terus diam. Well i was just intending on having fun.

Aku sebenarnya naif. Aku tak ada pendirian. Faith shaken. Iman aku kalau berkurangan tu lajuuuuuuu sangat, kalau naik slow. Tambah tambah sekarang ni aku macam exposed to these sosial life more since im on "the social networking" sites almost all the time. Aku remaja. Fitrahnya aku memang akan ikut apa orang lain buat. Tipulah kalau aku kata aku tak ingin nak huhahuha kadang kadang tu, sebab aku memang sejak dilahirkan sampai sekarang sekali pun tak pernah huhahuhuahuha. Then, aku terlintas, apa benda aku ni? Tak sedar ke benda tu mendorong aku ke arah maksiat. Im like having these fights with myself.

Satu lagi aku tak boleh bila orang tu kata dia tengah ada somewhere on a vacation, automatically i'll feel sad sebab my parents jenis yang tak suka keluar. Seriously, even when i say jom ah pergi cameron, jalan jalan, they'll be like "nak buat apa? duduk rumah lagi best.". Mall pun punyalah payah. And you wonder why im being soooo tak tahu about places. Books are my only medium and let's face it, im not a bookworm anymore. Dah tu nak keluar dengan kawan pun punyalah payah....hmm. banyak duduk rumah, kawan dengan kucing je. Aku sedih sangat sebenarnya tapi tu lah, malas nak lawan cakap kan, so duduk je lah dalam rumah. Ada hikmahlah kot, they know best. 

And when i see orang yang alim on the internet, i mean yang betul betul and not fake it just for attention, i will usaha to be her friend. because i need to know how she became that, how did she find the strength? faith tu macam mana boleh kekalkan? I need to be inspired by someone my age, someone with a lot of resemblances. sbb honestly i dont listen to my parents when it come to advices. Rebellious i guess, i cant fight it. You are what you read, they say. That's why now i'll find videos/blogs/tweets about my own religion because i need to understand more. Usually i find these through the orang that im trying to be friends with. 

But idk why, im just soooo frustrated now. I want to live islam to the fullest but there are just too many influences and i'm not strong enough to fight that. I was once asked by this lady about why am i wearing this tudung. At that time i couldn't really answer because the only thing came out from my mind was "my parents suruh.". I mean like, what is wrong with me? It's simple. the answer is in the Al-quran and i never did figured out why, until today. 

Ya Allah i guess im just too weak. Maybe i will not change unless i make a move myself. Please please please help me go through this. Kuatkanlah keimanan aku ini. Maybe one day i will fully understand all this confusion.   Pray for me.